Thursday, June 18, 2015

Meet the Vampire Strippers

Before I introduce you to the world-eating vampire strippers, I want to take a moment to apologize. You see, the book’s title is a bit misleading. Let’s say you walk into a book store, want a fun, quick escapist-style book to check out, and you see this crazy-ass title on the shelf. I know when I make a bowl of popcorn and watch Die Hard, I’m looking forward to watching a fun movie with explosions. I loved the Mad Max movie that came out this summer, and I enjoy the occasional super hero (or is it superhero) film. Vampire Strippers from Saturn is a bit on the “literary” end, however, so anyone who cracked open the cover and saw THIS should have been warned:

I figured the Kindle previewer would show this page on Amazon, but I also realize that not all retail outlets that have the book will let you crack the book open to see that big warning. “TURN BACK! THERE’S A VERY STRONG CHANCE THIS WAS NOT THE DROID YOU WERE LOOKING FOR.” 

Why the hell did a book with such a cool title have to be literary? Isn’t that just clever marketing? I don’t think so. I didn’t intentionally write a book that would provoke ire and “WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?” type responses.

Our vampire strippers are a fragment of the multiverse. Think of the multiverse as having an alternate reality for every possibility that might occur in any given moment in time. So there is an infinite number of universes and realities and whatnot. The vampire strippers have one task: eat planets. Destroy them. They can choose to destroy planets by influencing a growing sense of apathy in the planet’s population--which is a very slow death--or they can convince world leaders to initiate a cataclysmic war that would just blow everyone up.

This is where it gets tricky.

The vampire strippers have enemies. They are called plots—and they are what we might think of as demons. They can shapeshift at will, and they wish not to destroy planets, but prevent those planets from destruction by creating a constant state of chaos (Hell, basically). 

When our vampires appear around the fringes of Saturn, they decide on the apathetic route, and Earth, in this particular universe, is the last planet with sentient life. Our vampiresses decide which form they will take, and who will get to fall in love with a human to begin toppling the dominoes. 

The leader of the trio assigns roles for them, since the planned method of destruction is considered “self-indulgent.” 

Let’s introduce them:
(Be careful not to judge a book by its cover…)

Rene (modeled by Ava Gardner)––Will “spread the vampire infection”

The leader of our trio, Rene has decided to use apathy to ruin Earth. To destroy the world, she will begin by creating a cult of followers that worship her. The plan is ultimately a stupid one, because she will use love and sexuality as a means to expose the apathetic tendencies of the human race, and she does not foresee the struggle that awaits her. 

Nicole (modeled by Lady Gaga)—Will “fall in love”

Thousands of years after the vampire strippers come to Earth, the “slow process” of humanity’s annihilation continues; Rene’s strategy will ensure a slow end. In the far future, women make up the majority of the population, but they are hunted and treated like pets by the men who rule the world (who are also in the minority, along with some robot animals). In the future, Nicole resents Rene because her experience and role in the world’s destruction was ruined by Rene. Nicole sends a half-horse, half-human named Emilio into the distant past to hurt Rene emotionally. Nicole believes that if she can destroy Rene in the past, then she can alter what happens when she herself falls in love. Despite all of Nicole’s eternal wisdom, she doesn’t know shit about time travel. 

Madison (modeled by Christy Mack)—Will be “worshipped.” 
Madison wants nothing to do with any of Rene’s plans. She wants the very thing that Nicole has been assigned, and since Earth is the last stop in this universe, she understands that a world predicated on chaos will also be a world that involves emotion and passion. Madison makes a deal with the plots to help make the struggle for Earth a quick one. 

I hope that you can see the layers upon layers of ideas that spawned this book. To date, this is my most honest work. I promise that it was not meant to make people “work” to read, nor was it meant to be utterly pretentious. The book spins upon the axis of emotion… 

You can buy this book all over the place. If you buy it directly from the publisher, corporate American megabucks instead go to an independent publisher of awesome shit. They're called Perpetual Motion Machine Publishing, and a lot of their books are really good. I bought some of them. 
Here's their website: